Family Life
project rachel - helping a friend
Almost everyone knows someone who's had an abortion. Many know someone personally who is suffering greatly because of an abortion. If a friend confides in you tomorrow that she had an abortion, would you be able to respond in a way that brings her closer to healing the wounds in her heart and soul? There are ways to avoid the trap Andie fell into. Ways that may put your friend on the path to healing and hope.
Listen with your heart
f this is the first time your friend has told you about her abortion, she may fear that you will reject her or that you will repeat to others what she tells you. She needs to know that this will not happen. She must find in you compassion, and know that you are not sitting in judgment of her for a past abortion that cannot be undone. She needs to know you will keep everything she says to you in confidence. Only then will she feel it is safe to trust you and to tell you of her deepest pains and fears. Ask God to fill your heart and hers with love and understanding.
Ask God what she needs today:
- Someone to listen?
- A shoulder to cry on?
- A referral to a priest or professional counselor?
- Maybe even crisis intervention?
Begin by listening to your friend. Listen without interruption. You don't have to understand every detail in the sequence of events. What is important is that she no longer feels alone in her despair, that she can let go of some of the terrible burden she has been carrying by sharing it with you.
Let her tell all the jumbled details of her troubled soul
She may talk about:
- What happened at the clinic.
- Rage and anger--at the boyfriend who walked away, the parents who meant well but coerced her, clinic personnel who lied, God who let this happen, her baby for coming at the "wrong" time, herself for not handling things better
- Guilt, regret, depression, haunting nightmares, even suicidal thoughts
- Going to confession many times, yet never feeling forgiven
- Drowning in an ocean of grief she doesn't understand
- Feeling unlovable and unforgivable in God's eyes.and her own.
Assure her of love and support
Much as you'd like to make all her suffering go away with the right words, her grief and loss and self-condemnation cannot be resolved in one conversation. Assure her of your friendship. Tell her you will "be there" for her through her journey toward healing and spiritual and emotional health.
Remind her that God is her Father.her most merciful Father. In the parable of the prodigal son, Jesus described God's eagerness to shower the repentant child with love and grace and bring him back into the arms of the family. If we turn our hearts to God, He will reach out to meet us.
"One night my best friend from high school called me, totally in tears. I hadn't seen her since we left for college. She told me she got pregnant her first semester at State and let her boyfriend talk her into an abortion. It was the baby's due date the night she called. The boyfriend broke up with her months ago because she 'wasn't any fun anymore.' What could I say? I had no clue how to deal with this. Growing up we were both pro-life.
"I thought I could calm her down by saying stuff like 'Don't worry. You did the right thing.' 'What else could you do? It was the best choice.' I told her to try to get over it and think about her future. And I thought she was just being dramatic when she said she didn't have a future anymore. But I found out that, a few days later, she tried to kill herself. I keep wishing I had said something that could have helped her instead of making her feel alone."
~ Andie
Where help can be found
Ask your friend if she has ever heard about help for people struggling after abortion. There are counselors, priests, deacons, support groups, and retreats prepared to help. There are safe places where trained people can help her to overcome grief and loss, and restore her hope. If she is Catholic, she can go to confession and be absolved of the sin of abortion. Offer her the name and phone number of the local Project Rachel or similar ministry.
Spiritual Healing
You may tell her that some women greatly benefit from
Daily prayer, talking and listening to God who loves them
Reading the Scriptures, especially the Psalms and the Gospels
Attending daily Mass
Regular Confession
Asking Mary, Mother of us all, to help her know Jesus personally