project rachel

men and abortion

man and woman

FATHERS OF ABORTED CHILDREN

The impact of fathers is mitigated by the role they play in the abortion. They fall into separate categories.

  • Fathers who are violently opposed to the procedure.
  • Fathers who are opposed but have not gone to extremes to prevent it.
  • Fathers who first support the abortion decision and then change their minds, but their partners proceed with the abortion.
  • Fathers who appear to be neutral on the issue. Whatever the woman chooses they will support.
  • Fathers who force the abortion decision or threaten to withdraw support if abortion is not chosen.
  • Fathers who are not told about the abortion until after it occurred.
  • Fathers who are never certain an abortion has occurred, but who, upon hearing the aftermath of abortion in women described, recognize the symptoms in a former partner.

Men describe their aftermath as follows:

  • Rage
  • Impotence
  • Grave concern for their partner and her well being
  • Inability to communicate with their partner about her experience and theirs
  • Chemical use and abuse (excessive alcohol or drug use)
  • Risk taking behaviors, such as driving fast cars or motorcycles, breaking horses, jumping out of airplanes, or other death defying activities. (Fathers who opposed the abortion may verge on being suicidal themselves.)
  • Grieving and sadness
  • Obsessive thoughts of the lost child
  • Nightmares of someone/something vulnerable being threatened and being unable to protect it.
  • Desire for another child and subsequent behavior to try to achieve that goal. (Sometimes becoming almost obsessive in wanting to re-impregnate the woman who had the abortion. This may also generalize to another partner.)
  • Suicidal ideation - this does not appear common, but it does occur especially in the fathers who wanted the child.
  • Inability to sort out the feelings they are experiencing. If involved in more than one abortion, they will resolve one, but deny the need to process the rest. (It is often necessary to take apart the various emotions involved and deal with them separately.)
  • Spousal battering - may be man to woman or woman to man. There appears to be a predisposition for individuals with abortion histories to find partners with the same history. The dynamic that develops is as follows. She reminds him of the woman who aborted his child against his will, and he reminds her of the guy who insisted that she have an abortion. On a subconscious level, this is the scenario of anger and striking out. If the partners have stayed together after an abortion and treated the abortion as a non-event, they too may strike out at each other.
  • Some men seem to become overly nurturing fathers, assuming the role the mother normally plays with a child and being very overly protective.
  • Occasionally a man may act out in socially destructive ways: church fires, bombing, etc.
  • Confusion and grief over the end of the relationship that resulted in the pregnancy. They may occasionally obsess about the lost partner.

When men identify the issue that is troubling them it is the loss of fatherhood.

The book, Fatherhood Aborted: The Profound Effects of Abortion on Men by Guy Condon and David Hazard, includes the following:

Aftershocks of Male Post-abortion Trauma:

  • Has difficulty with commitment
  • Dodges authority
  • Has no solid sense of identity
  • Works to impress moral leaders
  • Keeps women at bay
  • Has trouble bonding
  • Fears impending tragedy
  • Doesn't own his mistakes
  • Feels inadequate as a leader

They also lay out the following symptoms:

  • Relationship struggles
  • Inability to trust friends
  • Rage
  • Addictions and sexual compulsions
  • Sleeplessness, bad dreams, nightmares
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Depression
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of rejection
  • Loneliness or numbness

Vincent Rue, Ph.D. writes in an article, The Effects of Abortion on Men , that "men do grieve following abortion, but they are more likely to deny their grief or internalize their feelings of loss rather than openly express them . . . When men do express their grief, they try to do so in culturally prescribed "masculine" ways, i.e. anger, aggressiveness, control. Men typically grieve in a private way following an abortion. Because of this, men's requests for help may often go unrecognized and unheeded by those around them." He continues, "A guilt-ridden, tormented male does not easily love or accept love. His preoccupation with his partner, his denial of himself and his relentless feelings of post-abortion emptiness can nullify even the best of intentions. His guilt may prevent him from seeking compassion, support or affection. In turn, he 'forgets' how to reciprocate these feelings."

Resources for men:

Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing by C.T. Coyle, Ph.D., published by Life Cycle Books. (This book uses a forgiveness model. It is a gently Christian book that deals with different scenarios of involvement, and would be appropriate for most fathers.)

Fatherhood Aborted: The Profound Effects of Abortion on Men by Guy Condon and David Hazard, published by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton , IL . (Can be obtained through Amazon.com.)

Grief Therapy for Men by Linus Mundy, published by Abbey Press (#20141). (This is NOT abortion specific, but valuable in helping the deeply grieving fathers to understand the manifestations of grief they are experiencing and how to cope.)

(By Vicki Thorn, Executive Director
National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing)

Contact Project Rachel
1-888-456-HOPE or 703-841-2504 or email projectrachel@arlingtondiocese.org

Credit: Photo © 2003 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.